Stop Look Listen (to my heartbeat)
by aRoseandaKiss
Summary: Toris has his secrets that not even Feliks knows about. LietPol (AU)


Toris broke down crying in the bathroom. Why couldn't he do anything properly?! He was weak and ridiculous, already messing up his own life beyond control and now failing to put any form of restraint on himself. The plan was NOT to eat anything that day except one snack. But of course that would be the day Feliks walked in after going grocery shopping for the first time in a fortnight. Toris inspected his face in the mirror, trying to see if his face was still as chubby as Ivan had told him that one time, years ago. With annoyance at himself, he realised that it probably was.

He clutched at himself, words that were spoken years ago still swirling through his mind. Dismay flooding his mind, he realised it had been too long between then and the slices of pizza Feliks had bought them for lunch. Cursing himself for falling asleep (well had he fallen asleep? All he remembered was suddenly feeling light-headed and tired while folding up his laundry and flopping onto the bed in the midst of his unfolded clothes, only to wake up hours later).

_Stick to the plan, Toris. Prove to yourself that you can at least not mess THIS up. Not like you screw everything else up,_ Toris thought to himself as he knelt down by the toilet. He leant his head against the wall in tiredness, pushing away the feelings of dizziness which were creeping up on him. He had to get back to their living room before Feliks came looking for him. He couldn't afford that. Even though he told Feliks most of his struggles, there were always those certain secrets that could change someone's view of you entirely – and he couldn't bear to lose Feliks.

Toris threw down the paper he was meant to be writing. He barely even knew what he was doing anymore; none of the words made sense, instead they swam across the page whilst pouring out a story in languages he couldn't understand. Once, he had known it, and now yearned to rediscover it, but each time he tried it seemed to slip out of his reach.

"Liet! Where did you get to? Let's have our Happy Days 3rd season marathon before you start bitching about staying up late with you!" Feliks' enthusiastic call echoed through their apartment.

"Well Feliks, it's true. You shouldn't be staying up late and all. I've even heard it stunts your growth."

"So?"

"So maybe there's a reason you prefer not to top."

"AND WHO TOLD YOU THAT!? I'M GOING TO –" He was cut off by Toris shoving a handful of popcorn in his mouth.

After swallowing half of it and spraying the rest all over the sofa, Feliks stared indignantly back at him as the theme song began.

"And what even is there to do so late at night?"

He considered it for a moment. "Well, I do like to spend a lot of time reading. I've even found some nice poetry I like to read by myself."

"Toris."

"Yes?"

"Get a life."

4 episodes through and Toris was already eyeing Feliks' bowl of buttery popcorn rather hungrily. He wasn't even paying attention to the show anymore – all he could think of was having at least one mouthful. It was becoming both his most desired wish and repulsed notion.

_Enough, Toris! Be sensible and do NOT screw this up._

"Feliks? Can I have some of the popcorn?"

"Yeah sure! I made loads!"

_GODDAMNIT TORIS._

After eating the remainder of the entire bowl, Toris was left sitting alone in the darkness (Feliks had fallen asleep before the DVD ended so Toris had switched it off) and feeling disgusted with himself.

_How could you do that? You were meant to stick to a plan, you fucking stupid little baby! Feliks was right there; couldn't you have shown some restraint? But of course we all know you can't possibly do anything right, can you?_

Toris bolted to his room, curling himself around his ratty old pillow. His breaths were now coming in short gasps.

_Run and cry, little baby. You just want to be pitied for no fucking reason other than that you can't even do things like a normal person! You're worthless and pathetic, Toris. Don't ever forget it._

His fingernails raked across his body; however, now he barely registered it anymore. Of course, he did feel the twinges of pain, but he deserved it, didn't he?

_Of course you do._


End file.
